MATT HAZARD JOINS THE THOUSANDS! CREATES BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING LIST

November 26, 2008

 

Black Friday is here and with the announcement of Eat Lead going next-gen, Matt Hazard needs to upgrade his playing experience (as the last time Matt starred in a game was Choking Hazard in 2002) with a whole new home theatre for himself and some additional goodies to give for Secret Santa.

EAT LEAD TAKE OVER!

EAT LEAD TAKE OVER!

 

Check out Matt’s Black Friday schedule that I’ve received from him today.

 

Friday, Nov 28th

 

Midnight – Wake-up and wait in line at Montgomery Wards “Electric City”

 

-720p flat screen LCD.

(I’ve never seen myself so clearly. My muscles look great! This is perfect for playing Eat Lead)

 

-First season of Arrested Development DVD

(Check out who this Will Arnett dude is)

 

-Dolby Surround sound speakers

 

8 AM – Head to the Mall

 

Crown Books

 

-Russian/English Dictionary (finally figure out what General Neutronov is saying)

 

FuncoLand

 

-Pre-order Eat Lead

(or get it online at http://www.gamestop.com/Catalog/ProductDetails.aspx?product_id=73011)

 

Structure

 

-Hat/Sunglasses  

(can’t walk around on the street anymore without being recognized)

 

10 AM – Drive over to Gart Sports

 

-Old Spice

(That Neil Patrick Harris commercial gets me every time)

 

-Shoulder pads

 

-Scissors

(to cut shoulder pads, because one gives you the protection and mobility that you need and ninja rolls are so much easier with a little padding)

 

-Ammo

(Because it’s never unlimited, unless you are a cowardly cheater)

 

Noon – Pantry Pride

-Block of beef

(all the action from the butcher shop makes me want to BBQ)

 

3PM – Watch Football and play Gutpunch with Master Chef and Captain Carpenter

 

Too bad, I don’t have the heart to tell Matt that none of those stores exist anymore. But, everyone knows not to mess with Matt. I guess that is my fault as I blew away all that cash for chauffeurs and personal assistants for Matt all those years. But boy did we have fun!

 

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Matt Hazard Rocks The Vote – Hazard Style

November 4, 2008

I was checking out my page on Facebook today and was so happy to see how much support their is in today’s election. I remember past campaigns where Matt Hazard had such a major role in the outcomes of the election. Check out some of the elections of years past and how Matt played a role in them.

Our Joe The Plumber

Our Joe The Plumber

 

Matt Hazard’s impact on previous elections:

 

1988:

At the height of Matt Hazard’s popularity, both Bush and Dukakis were looking for new ways to tap into the gamer audience.  8-bit graphics was all the rage, and The 1987 Western videogame “Fistful of Hazard” featured pixilated ads by the Republican Party. Unfortunately nobody wanted to see ads of Bush in the background yelling “No new taxes”.  Marathon Software luckily eliminated most copies before it shipped to stores.

 

However, the popularity of Matt’s tank-game, “Boom Tanks”  inspired Dukakis to take that ill fated photo op ride in the tank that cost him the election.

 

1992:

While Bush hoped to sail by promoting Family Values and vilifying Matt Hazard and other violent video games, Clinton took a shrewder approach by playing the theme song to Matt Hazard Land Two: Haz World on his saxophone live on the short lived Gamers Basement Tonight TV show.

 

1996:

Sales from Matt Hazard 3-D were so insanely high, selling millions of units a month since 1994, it was singled handedly credited for keeping the 90s economy afloat and Clinton profited from the recent years of prosperity in his defeat of Bob Dole.

 

2000:

Matt Hazard’s time traveling game from 1997 “Bridge to the 21st” Century was inadvertently used as a slogan for both the Bush and Gore campaigns. However, more ominous was his Alligator wrestling simulator “What a Croc” which was released on election day and featured a Florida swamp setting where Matt took on various enemies in the Gator Gang. The game was later hacked to include Bush and Gore mods into the fighting ring.

 

2004:

While Matt’s career as a videogame superstar was well into its decline by the time Kerry and Bush made it to the polls, some Republicans did include a SwiftShooter ad campaign featuring a stolen Matt Hazard character model talking about Kerry’s inability to pull off a good head shot in a multiplayer match.