A Profile in Bad Guyology – With EXCLUSIVE NEW ART FROM EAT LEAD!!
As promised, today I am going to take a look at one of Matt Hazard’s most malevolent adversaries (the man you might remember recently calling Matt a capitalist pig but a worthy adversary on national TV), the dreaded General Neutronov. Pay attention, kiddies. The things you learn here could save your life in the next game…
Don’t ask how I managed to get art from the new game — I have sources and they cannot be compromised!
Back when we were early in development on The Adventures of Matt in Hazardland, we were having trouble finding exactly the right foe to cast against the most ultimate of badasses, Matt Hazard.
We knew we wanted a character that would fear-monger with the threat of nuclear war. We knew we wanted to use the “evil Soviets” as a backdrop — I mean, it WAS the 80s! We just couldn’t put our finger on a character name or history. All our writers came up with was SUPER COMMIE ATOM BOMB KILLER FASCIST and “SCABKF” didn’t spell anything. We were totally stumped.
Then we got lucky. One of our designers sons, Billy Edson, was just a dumb, dumb boy. He was so stupid, this kid, that instead of answering questions on his science quiz, he drew the following doodle and turned it in:
His draconian teacher, Mr. Brown, took off 5 points, giving Billy a quiz score of -5. What really cheeses me off is that the TEACHER misspells “unnecessary.” WTF!
Anyway, the school sent the quiz home to be signed and Billy’s Dad, Dave, knew immediately he had stumbled upon the answer to our prayers. We were blown away. We liked the concept so much, we immediately secured copyrights, fired Billy’s Dad, and created what is now known as the baddest video game bad guy of all time, General Neutronov.
Man, that whole family was just so dumb!
SO, WHO IS GENERAL NEUTRONOV??
FULL NAME: General Alexei Plutoniovich Neutronov
NATIONALITY: Soviet Union
– Superiority of the Soviet Union
– Nuclear Proliferation to Mad Generals is Solid Foreign Policy
– Inevitability of Matt Hazard’s Demise
– Matt Hazard and the Other Money-Hungry Americans Can’t Stop Any of His Plans, Ever, No Matter What
– Fur Lined Coats are Both Cozy and “Evil”
– Undershirts are for wussies; crossing leather straps over exposed chest say “Militant Debonair”
FAVORITE WEAPONS (in past titles):
– Ranged Combat: Grenade Launcher
– Hand to Hand: Nuclear-Tipped Soviet Bear Tooth
– Fixed: Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles Tipped with Multiple Nuclear Warheads
HOME: “Korblanskivich Missile Silo Farm,” Siberia, Soviet Union
FIRST MH GAME APPEARANCE: The Adventures of Matt in Hazardland
KNOWN ASSOCIATES: Lord OctoSurgeon, Mightus Conjunctivitus
General Alexei Plutoniovich Neutronov was a highly-decorated Red Army officer who served with distinction for the USSR prior to the end of the Cold War.
Neutronov made an appearance as the nuke-toting villain in the budget title Doctor Nyet!, a groundbreaking side-scrolling techno-spy game that set sales on fire upon its release. He was such a popular villain that Marathon executives decided to create a whole series of espionage-inspired titles. In conjunction with this, the marketing department created Neutronov Halloween costumes, lunchboxes and even sponsored a professional wrestler to represent the General’s Soviet inclinations!
Thunder Eye hit the shelves in early 1992. Despite missing the Christmas season, sales were through the roof. Fans and critics alike raved over the ending in which Matt, having dispatched all of Neutronov’s Soviet separatists, lures the General to a grisly end that involves two AK-47s; a red, a blue, and a green keycard; and the engine intake of a Soviet MiG-25.
What transpired was coolly described in a review as “WICKED AWESOME — 11/10!!”
The game was so popular that a sequel was immediately greenlit. Neutronov was brought back to life through a convoluted plot twist and went on to reprise his role as a villain in the aptly-titled You Only Live 1,317 Times-in which he met a similarly uncomfortable end.
General Neutronov always longs for the glorious days when the Soviet Union was just one step from almost getting ready to start thinking about having the resources to prepare to plan to approve a strategy to initiate consdierations of taking over the world.
To this day, General Neutronov still has only one goal in mind: to someday defeat his number one enemy, Matt Hazard.
– R. Tokey